it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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