Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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