Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
