I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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