I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
