mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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