Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
