Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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