he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
