Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
