So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
