My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
