if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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