Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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