I'm gonna have a badass scar
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
