i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
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