Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
