Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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