The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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