Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
