I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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