I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
