Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
