Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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