There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
