some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
