I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
