The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
