i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
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I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
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My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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