the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
