when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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