so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
if only i could text you this smell
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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