last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
