what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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