My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
