I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
