He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
