My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
