I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
