I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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