omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
