I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
