My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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