my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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