I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
