i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
