How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
