guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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