Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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