I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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