did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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