Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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