I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize