Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
