I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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