I was born with a shot glass in my hand
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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