I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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