First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
