when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
At least life still wants to fuck me.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
