I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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