you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
